Regardless of what kind of upbringing you had, it’s likely you didn’t agree with everything your parents did when raising you.
But for better or worse, consciously or unconsciously, we often fall back on what’s familiar – parenting how we were parented, raising our children similarly to how we ourselves were raised.
But what if you were raised with some unhealthy habits or bad behaviors? Are we doomed to pass our parents’ dysfunctional habits on to the next generation?
Let’s explore how you can begin to shift old patterns, strengthen your parenting skills, and create a healthier, more intentional path forward for your family.
Navigating Parenthood in the 21st Century
Today, we have the luxury of access to a lot of information, from helpful online resources to parenting support groups. But even with all this information at our disposal, we tend to resort to the parenting styles we grew up with, almost by default.
Why is that? Because the way we were raised shapes who we are as people, creating and reinforcing beliefs, norms, and patterns of behavior that stick with us into adulthood – and into parenthood.
But whether your own upbringing was healthy and loving or full of tough moments, it’s important to remember that the world has changed a lot since we were kids. Our parents didn’t have the same access to resources we do, and our children face challenges we never had to deal with growing up.
It’s worth taking time to reflect on your own childhood, the parenting behaviors you’ve inherited, your own values, and the needs of the new generation. With this understanding, you’ll be able to decide which parenting practices to adopt in your own parenting style, and which behaviors you want to unlearn as you raise your own child.
Reflecting on Your Upbringing
We all bring pieces of our parents into our own approach to parenting – from inherited trauma to shared values. And recognizing those patterns is the first step toward breaking negative parenting cycles and adopting healthy parenting practices.
Consider Your Current Parenting Style
Have you ever snapped or raised your voice at your child in a moment of frustration, and thought, “Whoa, I sounded just like my mom/dad just now…”? How did that realization make you feel? And more importantly, how did it make your child feel?
Take some time to think about your current parenting behaviors. Are there any negative patterns or behaviors you’re not proud of and want to change? Maybe you overreact in certain situations, you over-monitor your child’s activities, you’re quick to criticize, or you struggle with showing affection.
Whatever you’re ready to change, remind yourself that negative patterns don’t make you a bad parent. You’re doing your best, and your willingness to change is a strong sign that you’re growing as a parent – and a person.
Breaking the Generational Cycle
Changing your parenting approach is not a linear process. It’ll take time to unlearn negative patterns and make positive changes. The important thing is to be patient, show yourself some compassion, and keep trying. Change can happen. Here’s how:
Tools for Healthy Parenting
- Practice self-awareness: Whether you meditate, journal, or simply notice your parenting habits, being mindful is the key to catching yourself in a negative pattern and finding a better way forward.
- Validate your child’s emotions: From kicking and screaming to nonstop crying, try not to dismiss your child’s emotions. You can validate their feelings, making them feel seen and understood without validating their behaviors.
- Guide them: Constant criticizing or correcting behaviors isn’t going to solve the issue on its own. Guide your children, calmly explaining why you’re correcting certain behaviors (and the repercussions if those behaviors continue).
- Discipline mindfully: It’s not about punishment. Discipline is a learning tool and an opportunity to teach your kids about behavioral boundaries – why they exist and how to respect them, even when they get upset or overwhelmed.
- Repair post-conflict: How you reconnect with your child after a conflict is just as important as your response to the conflict itself. Repairing that bond will make it stronger, making your child feel safer, even when they make a mistake. If you lost your cool in the heat of the moment, acknowledge it. Apologize and let them know that even adults get upset sometimes– but that you’ll try harder to stay calm in the future.
- Model healthy behavior: Children mirror what they see. Set a strong example of behavior. If you want them to act in different ways, treat others with respect, or express their emotions in a safe, healthy way, it’s up to you to show them how.
Generational cycles run deep – they’re not easy to break. But with some of the tools above, you can start to shift inherited patterns and behaviors and find a parenting style that matches your values. Start small (baby steps), stay patient, and don’t give up!
Prioritizing Your Mental Health
As a parent, your well-being is the foundation for your child’s growth and happiness. Checking in with your emotions, practicing self-care, and recognizing when you need support are all vital steps in being a healthy, responsive, and present parent.
Whether it’s setting aside a few quiet moments for yourself each day, connecting with friends, or seeking professional guidance, by showing yourself real care, you create a nurturing environment where your child can thrive.
Remember, caring for yourself isn’t selfish – it’s a way to provide your child with the stability and attention they need to feel safe and supported now and in the future.
When to Ask for Help
Parenting is beautiful. It’s rewarding. And it’s hard. Many parents need outside support from time to time. And the good news is, help is available. Here are some parenting resources you can explore when you need support:
- Parenting counselors: Parenting therapy can give you effective strategies to shift negative cycles in your parenting style. Whether it’s individual or family therapy, you can use this as a time to explore your own childhood wounds, or work through current family issues.
- Parenting programs: Check out parenting programs in your local area to get guided support, proven strategies, and space to explore new ways to raise your children in a healthy and happy home.
- Online communities: Seek out online support groups or online forums like the r/Parenting forum on Reddit or sites like Mothering.com where you can share advice and experiences with other parents.
Asking for help is often one of the hardest things to do, especially for parents. But the most important thing is that you’re doing your best to provide a warm, nurturing environment for your children.
Nurturing Parenting Programs
If you’ve ever promised yourself that you would parent differently than how you were raised, you’re not alone. The patterns we inherit can be hard to break, but they aren’t permanent. Region Five’s Nurturing Parenting Programs offer a path forward for families who want to build healthier relationships and raise children in a more positive and respectful environment.
These free, evidence-based programs are designed for parents and caregivers of children from birth through age 18 and are especially helpful for those at risk of involvement with the social services system.
At the heart of the program is a commitment to stopping cycles of harm by teaching skills grounded in empathy, trust, and emotional attunement. Participants learn how to replace old habits with nurturing practices that support their child’s growth and emotional well-being. Whether it’s learning to manage stress, communicate more effectively, or understand the developmental needs of your child, Region Five’s Nurturing Parenting Programs help parents move from reaction to intention; building the foundation for a more connected and compassionate family life.
Contact your local Community Services Board to get connected to find a Nurturing Parenting Program near you.
