Other times, you get something that feels more like whiplash.
Suddenly you are sharing a bed with someone who startles at every noise. The kids cling to one parent and avoid the other. Arguments flare over small things like how to load the dishwasher or who gets up with the baby. If you recently gave birth or are caring for a young child, the strain can feel overwhelming.
If this is you, you are not broken and you are not alone. Reintegration is a major transition. It can shake your mental health, especially when it collides with postpartum recovery and sleep deprivation. There are real supports in Virginia designed specifically for military families, including a statewide Military Spouse Liaison and local SMVF (Service Members, Veterans, and Families) programs that many people do not know exist.
This guide will walk through what “reintegration whiplash” can look like, why postpartum and parenting make it more intense, and where to find help in Virginia.
What “reintegration whiplash” can look like at home
Reintegration looks different for every family, but many spouses describe a similar pattern. Life has a new rhythm when your partner returns, and everyone is slightly out of sync. You might notice:
- Feeling like you are “on” all the time, even though the deployment is over
- Arguing over small parenting decisions because you have been solo-parenting for months
- Your spouse struggling with sleep, nightmares, or irritability
- Kids acting out, regressing, or refusing to leave one parent’s side
- Awkwardness about intimacy or affection, even when you care deeply about each other
- A sense of guilt for not feeling as happy as you “should” now that your spouse is home
This mismatch between expectations and reality can be jarring. You may have pictured the reunion as a clean slate. Instead, you are both bringing stress, habits, and unspoken fears back into the same home.
When reintegration meets postpartum and parenting
If you are pregnant, recently postpartum, or parenting young children, reintegration touches many vulnerable places at once: your sleep, your hormones, your body, and your sense of safety.
You might be:
- Waking often to feed a baby while your spouse is wide awake for other reasons, like hypervigilance or nightmares
- Feeling pressure to “make up for lost time” as a couple while your body is still healing
- Torn between caring for your infant and caring for your partner who seems more withdrawn, anxious, or on edge
- Carrying silent resentment about how much you did alone during deployment
- Feeling guilty that you are exhausted instead of grateful
Postpartum mood and anxiety disorders are common, and they do not always look like “classic” depression. They can show up as:
- Constant worry that something terrible will happen
- Irritability or rage that surprises you
- Intrusive thoughts, including scary thoughts about harm coming to your baby
- Numbness, disconnect, or feeling like you are going through the motions
You did not cause this. Reintegration plus postpartum is a heavy load. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you and your family matter.
Signs your mental health needs extra support
Stress during reintegration is normal. Still, there are times when it is important to slow down and check in on your own mental health.
Pay attention if you notice:
- You feel on edge most days and cannot calm down, even in safe situations
- Sleep is poor, even when the baby or kids are asleep and you have a chance to rest
- You have lost interest in things that usually matter to you
- You feel detached from your partner, baby, or other children
- You are using alcohol or other substances more to cope
- You feel hopeless, like nothing will ever get better
- You have thoughts like “my family would be better off without me”
If you notice these signs in yourself or a fellow military spouse, that is your cue to reach out instead of trying to “tough it out.”
How to talk with your service member about what you are feeling
It can be hard to share your struggles when you know your spouse has also been through a lot. You might not want to “add” to their burden. Honest conversations actually give both of you more room to breathe.
A few ideas:
Choose a calmer moment
Pick a time when children are occupied or asleep and neither of you is rushing out the door.
Start with your experience
Use simple “I” statements, such as:
- “I have been feeling really overwhelmed and tired lately.”
- “I notice I am more irritable and I do not like how that feels.”
Name that reintegration is hard for both of you
You can say something like, “We both went through a lot in different ways. I think reintegration is hitting us hard, and I want us to get support, not just power through.”
Invite teamwork, not blame
Instead of “you never help,” try “Can we figure out a plan so both of us get some sleep and some time to recharge?”
Consider asking for help together
Sometimes it feels less scary to reach out when you frame it as a joint effort: “I think talking with someone who understands military families could help us. Would you be open to that?”
Related Post: Veteran Support Groups
You do not have to do this alone: support in Virginia
Virginia has built specific supports for service members, veterans, and their families, including spouses. Many families are surprised to learn these exist.
Virginia Military Spouse Liaison
The Virginia Military Spouse Liaison, housed in the Virginia Department of Veterans Services (DVS), serves as the Commonwealth’s advocate for military spouses. The liaison:
- Conducts outreach and advocacy for military spouses and their families
- Works with federal, state, local, and military partners to improve access to employment, licensure, childcare, and community resources
- Helps spouses navigate available programs and supports across Virginia
If you are feeling stuck, the liaison can help you understand what is available and how to access it. You can connect through the DVS website or email [email protected].
Service Member, Veterans, and Family (SMVF) support in Region Five
Here in Region Five, the SMVF program is designed to ensure that service members, veterans, and their families receive behavioral health and supportive services that are: high quality, trauma-informed, culturally competent, and accessible.
Your local SMVF Navigator can:
- Help you connect to individual or couples counseling that understands military culture
- Find support groups for spouses, parents, or caregivers
- Coordinate with community resources if you are facing housing, employment, or financial stress
- Link you to statewide programs like the Virginia Veteran and Family Support (VVFS) program for longer-term support
You can learn more and contact your SMVF Navigator through Region Five’s Service Member, Veterans and Family Support page.
Small steps you can take this month
If all of this feels like too much, start small. You might choose one of these:
- Tell one trusted person, “Reintegration has been harder than I expected.”
- Schedule a check-in with your primary care provider, OB-GYN, or child’s pediatrician and mention your mood, sleep, and stress.
- Visit the Region Five SMVF page and send a message to connect with a Navigator.
- Reach out to the Virginia Military Spouse Liaison and ask, “Here is what our family is going through. What supports might fit us?”
- Protect one small block of rest for yourself each week, even if it is 20 minutes with your phone silenced.
You do not have to have the perfect words. You just have to take the next right step.
If you are in crisis
If you are thinking about harming yourself, your baby, or someone else, or if things feel like they are spiraling out of control, please reach out right away.
- Call the Region Five Crisis Line 24/7 at 757-656-7755 if you are in the Greater Tidewater Hampton Roads area.
- Call or text 988 anywhere in the United States to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
- If you are in immediate danger, call 911 and say it is a mental health emergency and, if relevant, that you are a veteran or military family member.
You deserve support too
Military culture often celebrates strength and sacrifice. As a spouse, you may be used to putting your needs last. Reintegration is a reminder that you are part of the mission too. Your mental health, your body’s recovery after birth, your sleep, and your sense of safety all matter.
Help is available. Connect with the Virginia Military Spouse Liaison for navigation support, and reach out to your local SMVF Navigator through Region Five to explore counseling, groups, and other services tailored to military families.
You and your family do not have to navigate reintegration whiplash on your own.
